"Who I Am" 0:33 (entry no.40)

 I actually have so much I wanna talk about in this entry, hence why you dear reader only had to wait 10 days until my next post. First thing's first, Shawn Mendes released his new album yesterday and I have just finished listening to it in it's entirety. It was alright. I don't doubt that it was very important and special for him especially considering he's been MIA for so long, but it's not exactly my cup of tea. However, I loved the first song in his album "Who I Am", literally had me pacing in my room and sobbing. "I feel pressure from the people that I love and it hurts, but I know I gotta do it I gotta put me first, losing myself tryna make you proud, sorry gotta do it gotta let you down." Literally spoke to my soul, and what makes it even better is that those lyrics belong to verse 2 of the song. If you've read entry no.36 you should KNOW how much I love the second verse of a song. 

Anyways, the lyrics in this song got me thinking about choosing yourself, even if it means letting someone you love down. I never understood the concept of that until very recently, I just considered doing such a thing to be too selfish to be justifiable. But now I've come to realize that it's actually ok to choose yourself, to prioritize what you want over what someone else thinks or feels. Especially when you've been prioritizing the needs of others for so long. Eventually it gets to the point where enough is enough and you need to stand up for yourself and what you want. It can be a lonely fight sometimes but I'm too stubborn to give up on things and people that matter to me. As an older sister my first instinct is always to sacrifice. But what happens when you sacrifice and find out that the person you gave something up for didn't even need you to do that? Shouldn't that make it ok to choose yourself? At least just this once. 

When does the giver get to win? When does the giver get to take a break? When do I get to hang out with friends, with the people I love and just let my hair down and laugh? Why do I need to be confined in a box made for me rather than one I made for myself? The sad truth is I'm not used to fighting for myself so it often makes me feel guilty when I do. But life is about playing within YOUR limits, not the limits of others, whether they made them for you or themselves. However, if you are going to fight for yourself, it important to accept all parts of yourself, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It involves accepting that you're a little selfish and might have to stand alone. But you should never be ashamed for choosing yourself when you know that if you didn't you would have broke. You have to stabilize yourself before you try to stabilize others.

Wow, I ended up talking about this idea far longer that I intended to. There is still so much I wanna share but I seem to be reaching the word count real fast. Point is, it is ok to choose yourself once in a blue moon. And if someone who claims to love you doesn't understand that then maybe they need to check themselves before coming after you. Well, tomorrow's a new day. A new opportunity to learn how to balance loving yourself while loving others. I also gotta do some homework tomorrow morning and then go to work in the evening so I should probably get some rest. In one month my third semester of college will be over, I'm in the homestretch and intend to power through until the very end. Until next time, and as always thanks for sticking around.

You're still here? Meet me at entry no.41 :)