Are you coming or going? (entry no.50)

It's been quite a while since my last blog post. Honestly I've been having too much fun while also stressing out and it's made me a fabulous combination of overstimulated and lazy. Hence why I have not posted an entry in over a month! But I don't want to let anymore time pass, I want to keep documenting my life, my experiences, and thoughts for a long time. My life updates aren't as interesting anymore now that I'm not in school. Well my life is actually super interesting right now but I just don't feel like writing about it, I'd rather live it in the moment. 

I've got so many exciting plans for the summer, trips I want to take, people I want to see, hobbies I want to get back into. Like I do every summer, I want to go back to learning the ukulele, I also wanna take time to play some of my favorite video games again. I just find it hard to pursue these things cuz I legitimately cannot sit still, it's awful. I still try to pick up a book every now and then and read it, I still enjoy it. But for whatever reason I now can no longer finish a book even if my life depended on it. About two months ago, I checked out a book from the library that I was genuinely interested in and really wanted to read. I was reading it on and off in very short intervals and I just kept stopping every two pages, unable to sit still.  

Ultimately I had to return the library book because I was unable to finish it before someone wanted to read it and placed a hold on it. You snooze you lose I guess. I find it funny how that's a popular saying as well as "slow and steady wins the race". They're oxymorons, they have complete opposite messages and yet both can be applied to the very same person or two people facing the very same situation. Contradictory advice and feelings can make life even more confusing than it already is. I think that that's especially true with relationships. The ones you keep, the ones you choose to walk away from, it all varies greatly. Even your moral compass and concept of right and wrong can be contradictory.

For example, I personally believe in giving your best to others. But when does it get to the point that you need to choose yourself over others? There comes a moment where we all have to do it, to hurt another to stay afloat and tell ourselves that "it's all for the best". When is it selfishness and when is it simply what needed to be done? I consider myself to be a very kind and caring person, but I cannot compromise my core values for the sake of others and their feelings. Does that make me a bad person? Or is that simply what makes me a person? To be a person is to choose. To be a person is to love and lose, often in the exact same moment. Choices, choices make us who we are, they are the wind pushing us forward and the breadcrumb trail we leave behind, reminding us who we are, where we have been, and where we will go. 

You're still here? Meet me at entry no.51 :)