So she kept giving pieces (entry no.18)

 It's almost 2 am, a psychologically sound person would probably be sleeping by now. I on the other hand have spend the past two hours on an ambitious art endeavor. A lot of people I know and love are going through a hard time right now. Also, a lot of people that I know and love have helped me when I've gone through a hard time without even realizing it. As a result my heart feels obligated to give them a little piece of me through my words and art. I'll talk a little more about this project of mine in the future when I reflect on it's completion. But for now, all you need to know is that this isn't the first time I've made cards for certain people in my life. 

It's something I picked up during the pandemic when we were all cooped up in our homes and people starting writing cards and letters again. I've always enjoyed drawing, painting, and other similar crafts. One day I combined this hobby with my love of writing and throughout the years I've made many cards. I fill them with words I could never say in person because I know the second I open my mouth the waterworks would start. Nonetheless, I thought it important for those special people to hear those words. I said this in my very first entry but I truly believe we don't tell each other enough that we are loved, appreciated, and seen. 

This veers us into a topic that me, my sister, and one of my best friends agree to disagree with (or at least I do). What is this topic? The fact that I am too nice, to the point that my kindness is my greatest strength and also my greatest weakness. I can't find it in me to choose myself over someone else... even if that other person doesn't deserve to be chosen. I'll grab the leftovers and scraps happily after letting everyone else go ahead of me, even allowing them to grab seconds before I get a single taste. That's a choice I make and those who are closest to me have begged me to stop and remind myself that I deserve better... but I just can't bring myself to do it. 

How could I not let someone go ahead of me when I have already been given so many good things? It's so hard for me to accept this concept that I deserve more when there are so many who don't have enough. I'll keep giving pieces of myself even if my kindness is abused, even if I'm the one who ends up hurt. I tell myself I can handle it and I know I can. I also know I can stop it and for my own sake it's definitely best that I do. But I'm as stubborn as they get, I'm a girl stuck in a pit with a ladder but refuses to climb it. 

You're still here? Meet me at entry no.19 :)

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