Reciprocation or the Road Needs Alterations (entry no.20)

 Here I am, once again writing past midnight cuz I didn't fully learn my lesson in entry 18. I don't even know what I want to write about right now, I just know that I want to write. This post is gonna be a little deeper and gloomier than my usual stuff but please bear with me. I'm a very emotional person, I'm constantly on the verge of tears for no real reason. But despite this, I don't believe in wasted tears. Tears should always mean something, whether you are mourning something or someone you have lost, crying of laughter and gratefulness, or disliking yourself a little more than you usually do, tears mean something. 

Tears help us move on to the next step by allowing us to process our emotions. To me wiping away your tears is like picking yourself up off the floor and saying "We go again". But some people get stuck on the floor, too afraid that they'll fall again or that they are unworthy of a second chance. The hardest prison to bust out of is the one you make for yourself in your own head. Especially since you're the only one with the ability to set yourself free, to let things go. I've seen these prisons tear so many people apart from the inside-out, but I've also seen these same people fight back against them. They take back control and step outside their cages and my heart swells with pride thinking of so many people I love who have done so. 

There are some strong people out there and I have the great privilege of knowing, loving, and being loved by them. I always tell my little sister that there is nothing quite like knowing someone loves you as much as you love them. I'm ok with loving people who don't love me back, I know that's not healthy but it's the truth. I don't expect anyone to love me so when they do, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I can't help but think "I'm not nearly half as good as you, how could you possibly love me." 

I have a weird relationship with myself, I believe in myself and I think I'm a pretty awesome person but I struggle to imagine people thinking that of me. I see the good in myself but I can't imagine others seeing that same good in me. I'm a giver which makes me so hesitant to take and receive good things like love even though I crave it. As a result, I excuse people's bad behavior towards me because I think that I deserve it rather than have my love reciprocated. I try to remind myself that relationships are a two way street and if my side of the street is nicely paved while the other is in shambles, that's not my fault even though it always feels like it is.   

You're still here? Meet me at entry no.21 :)

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